Time for another release...

Seems like its that time again. Sadness has been hitting me... I know it has a lot to do with Summers Birthday coming up. Normally that would mean that Mom would have already taken her out shopping...because she just couldn't wait to celebrate... She would take her out to dinner, and if Sienna was lucky enough, and if Summer would let her Mom would take her along with and she too would come home with something...and as always mom would bring a gift to Ethan. That's just how Mom was.

I miss her. Its been hard to not be able to call her and let her know just how much has been going on. How my day was going, what the kids are doing, and how well they have been.... I miss hearing her tell me just how much she loved me, and how proud she is of me. I wish she had told me what she had hoped for me before she left this earth.... I'm right back at being confused in life. Being a Mom is the greatest thing for me...but there is a side of me that wants to be more then a Mom. I want so much to create. Use what talents I think I have, and to explore onto new things that I find joy in. I want to see the world for its good. I have often thought about how I can help others from what I can create.... but there is that gate that holds me back... maybe one day i will find the courage to open it.

Taking care of Dad has been good for me. After counseling, two whole times... I have found a new way to view my new role. At times it still is very overwhelming, but worth every moment I get to spend with my Dad. He made the comment the other day at the dentist while getting his teeth worked on that I was his "new Mom" I knew just what he meant by that... and I couldn't help but to tear up. To him this meant that I was Mom... Putting my needs aside and caring for his. I do care for my Dad, and it scares me to death to think what my life would and one day be like when he is gone. Its hard to think of it, so I don't do that too often... but the thought that comes across my mind is that I will be "orphaned". Its weird to think of it that way...but in a way I will be. I know I have my brothers.... but there is just something about not having anymore parents. Its weird. I know, I'm in my 30's... I should be able to handle it better, right? But again, I know I need to stop thinking of it this way... because he is still here...perhaps its the uncertainty of suddenness that can happen that's got a hold of me. After all its what took my Mom... uncertainty and suddenness.

I feel a bit better with this off my mind. Life is just hard. I'm just thankful for those moments that make me smile and bring Peace back into my heart. I miss you Mom.... Love you!