Time to heal? No, time to cope.

Its now been over 6 months since the passing of my Mother. All the firsts that one has to go through after loosing someone close to their heart is beyond hard. Its crazy just how it effects you as a whole, how it makes you feel inside, and what emotions it brings out. There are the first that you never thought about, and then there are the firsts you knew were going to happen.

They say time heals, but I really believe that its not time that heals you, its the ability to learn to cope without that loved one in your life. It's not getting better... not at all. I just have learned how to cope. I have to admit though, there are times when all I can do is act out. The emotions that can overcome you can confuse you. One minuet you are ok, the next you are a big ball of tears, then all of the sudden you are in a yelling fit.... then all you want is to be alone. Talk about confusion. The dreams that you have is the other thing you never thought you would have... to relive Her being well, then finding out She is sick, and then Her passing away over and over. Here I thought sleep was my exit... not always.

You tend to look for things.... things that might be Her conveying to you. Just the other day I was making mac and cheese for lunch and Ethan was talking about the food that went into his tummy showing his mouth open to Doug.... Doug then said "let me see! Oh my gosh! I can see it in your tummy" This is something my Mom used to say to me when I was little, and time to time when I was older for fun. Doug just saying that to Ethan through me back in time, and made me stop and look over.. It was my Mom.. it was as if She was there saying that to Ethan! I then broke down and cried. Doug then commented that my Mom was putting words into his mouth. He knew too that wasn't something he would say at all.

Its still hard not to want to call over to the house to talk with Her. Its hard to go through life's problems and not have Her there to talk it through with. Its weird to say "we are going to Grandpa's house" when you always would say "we are going over to Grandma's house". Its hard to see Ethan not remember Grandma... Its hard.

Cope. I guess that's what I have to learn to do, because time wont heal my heart's ache. It cant.

I miss you dearly Mom... I forever will Love you!